It’s Karl Lagerfeld, Hmm?

By Editor • Aug 4th, 2008 • Category: Fashion View

He’s not the real Karl Lagerfeld, only wittier. That would be the faux Karl Lagerfeld from the exuberantly funny blog, Karl Lagerfeld’s Guide to Life.

And oh what a guide it is! The very essence, the raison de etre of his Karlness, the fan-tinged, white-shocked hair, larger-than-life persona of the Fashion God himself is captured and distilled for all to see, along with special appearances by the faux Anna Wintour and the revenant of Yves Saint Laurent.

We thank Karl for taking time off from his busy schedule and demoding with us, and be sure to check out faux Karl’s shop at Cafe Press, where you can purchase a T Shirt for $400.00. You must pay with your blood for good fashion. Hmm?

Fashion Time: Karl, your hair. No one has hair like that, it’s sui generis, totally unique. How does one get that Karl Lagerfeld hair look?

Karl: The Karl hair is in the air, it is part of the very fabric of fashion. One does not “get” Karl hair, one obtains it from being fashion.

Fashion Time: Your fan, you’ve been waving that fan for the last sixty years. Does it have a hypnotic effect on models and designer clothes buyers?

Karl: But of course.

Fashion Time: Karl do you regret not marrying and making a Little Karl, whom you could design children’s clothing and toys for?

Karl: But what if the little Karl is better than me? We cannot have that. And what if the little Karl is worse than me? We cannot have that either, hmm? I would hate a non-genius child. No no no, I am not the right person to have a child.

Fashion Time: Karl, you once allegedly said, you hadn’t had sex for twenty years? Is this true and how can one remain celibate for so long?

Karl: I keep personal life personal and private life private, hmmm? When you are as busy as me- work is sex. Oh, the chiffon.

Fashion Time: Karl, if models were compared to fruits, what would Kate Moss and Agyness Deyn be?

Karl: Kate is definitely a carrot shaped kumquat, hmm? And Aggy- oh, she’s a lemon, no doubt about it.

Fashion Time: Karl, in 2008, you seem to be in your “V” couture phase, with V’s appearing everywhere in your collection. What are you declaringnvictory against or is it a “V” for your personal Vendetta?

Karl: I am saying both. Victory and Vendetta, they’re linked, are they not? Of course they are, because I just said so. Some V’s are more like a Vendetta, and some V’s are more like Victory. It depends how you wear it!

So many people are saying they want victory when what they really want is a vendetta, hmm?

Fashion Time: What does love mean to you?

Karl: ….Everything.

Next question, hm?

Fashion Time: Karl, do you have a favorite fragrance of yours, whether Chloe, Lagerfeld, Jako, or Narcisse that you like to spray on your fan to perfume the rarefied air you breathe?

Karl: I only spray Chanel number 6 onto my fan.

Fashion Time: Which Vogue do you like more - Vogue US, Italy, France, or the UK?

Karl: Fashion magazines are so demode. Only the little people need them.

Fashion Time: Why do you never become old?

Karl: Because fashion is never old. And I am fashion.

Karl not demoding with Hedi.

Fashion Time: Who are the fashion gods today (Except you of course)?

Karl: Anna, of course. The Prada women…she’s like the god of the homeless. Yohji Yamamoto…the god of the rain. Tom Ford…the god of plucked eyebrows. Oh, most of the designers are gods. Even Yves is a kind of god. But it doesn’t mean you have to worship them, hmm?
Look at the churches of Chanel- and then the cold, cold churches of Gucci.

Fashion Time: Why did you agree to star in a road safety campaign? That yellow vest is really ugly))

Karl: Because I do not like to see splattered Parisians on the roads. So demode.

Fashion Time: Tell us something about Anna Wintour that no one knows but you?

Karl: She picks her nose. She slurps her soup. She once went to a second hand store. Imagine that. All those…poor people. And that poor people smell. And last seasons clothes. It makes my skin crawl.

Fashion Time: Will you ever quit Chanel?

Karl: No!

Fashion Time: Tom Ford adores you (he revealed that in one of his interviews). Do you love Tom too?

Karl: I love him like some people love that little kid that dribbles, yes. I just wish he wouldn’t stalk me..

Fashion Time: Your worst moment in fashion?

What?

Fashion Time: What do you have for breakfast?

Karl: Diet Coke. Diet Coke. I do not eat.

Halt or I’ll take away your Prada.

Fashion Time: Your favorite model?

Karl: Brad, of course.

Fashion Time: You have twelve or so collections each year, an extensive career in photography, a Paris-based bookshop, personal museum-quality furniture collections, the management of six homes - where do you find the energy for all of this?

It is simple. No sex. I’m kind of superhuman anyway, hmm?

Fashion Time: New York or Paris?

Karl: Paris. Always Paris.